i can’t help but notice the amazing jacarunda trees in bloom here in los angeles, the gardens with flowers, my vegetable garden with it’s buds opening up to the bees to be pollinated so they may bear fruit. and as i walk around noticing these things in nature, i can’t help but feel like this is also happening in me. i am at a time of “blossoming”. the time in my life when i am about to form a flower which in turn gets pollinated, thus bearing fruit. no mom - i am not, nor about to get pregnant!! i am speaking in a much more metaphorical way. my mind, body and soul are rising above the dirt, the soil, the mud and about to bloom. to open myself up to this world and present myself. and not as the world or those in it would like me to be, but as i am.
so often in my life i have held my true self closed to those around me. scared i would not be accepted. frightened of being left behind. and just not sure that i was enough. now i know i am. i don’t know how i know, but something is happening inside me right now. i am becoming more sure of myself. i am nurturing myself (it only took 38 years!!!) and in doing so, i am realizing that i am sufficient and that i can help others find this potential in themselves, by being an example.
i have had periods of blossoming before, but never quite as powerful as this. i have referred to this period with family and friends as the “rebirth of christel joy”. it started about 3 years ago or so. my foundation was cracked wide open due to a rough period in my life and i had to re-evaluate my entire view on life and the boundaries (or lack there of) i had drawn - not only for those around me, but for myself. suddenly i was standing there without the tools to get through my emotional life. then, through yoga, therapy and help from some amazing angels i started the path to taking care of myself. of figuring out who i was without the limitations of those around me or the critic within myself. i started to discover this amazing creature who was huddled in a ball in the corner of my belly, scared to come out.
it’s interesting the path i took. i think this beautiful little soul hiding in my belly (we’ll call her - the true self) was what shined through me as a child. but at some point, due to circumstances and choice, i started to hide her more and more and let another more cynical creature (we’ll call her - the protector) take over. when the true self would start to speak up, the protector would immediately shut her down and be the dominant voice. so with time the true self would speak up less and less. most of the time she would just hide inside and let the protector run the show. without being put into check, the protector became overbearing and my mind and soul were in an unbalanced state.
flash forward to the incident 3 years ago i referred to above. suddenly the true self started to speak up a bit more. she was tired of being stuck inside without a voice. this grand struggle began in my heart and soul. strange i know, but this is the only way i know how to describe it. the true self was fighting for attention, to be heard and finally have some say in this being she was a part of. and the protector was fighting for her life. she thought she couldn’t let the true self have any say or she wouldn’t be able to exist. it was one of the hardest times i have ever gone through in my life. and my inner existence was in turmoil. the past three years have been hard. it is not an easy choice to step up and try to go against the negative patterns you have engrained in yourself. but as time went on and i began to learn how to slow down and ask for help (sooooooooooo hard for me!), my patience with the process grew and it got easier. and now all that hard work is beginning to pay off.
my journey has been to find the balance between these two. to know when it’s appropriate to let one be a bit more dominant and when to let the other take a bit of a break. to make sure my inner light can shine through, but to also make sure nobody takes advantage of it. to make sure i take care of myself and grow. to grow like the lotus and rise above the mud and the water so that a beautiful flower can blossom and open up to the world. to remember that like the lotus, my roots are still grounded in the mud below, it’s where i get much of my life force in order to rise above the muck. and eventually the blossom will bear seeds to be planted so that another plant or being or idea can take root, rise and blossom.
i could choose to look back at my rough period and what happened as a terrible thing. i could choose to take it in a negative way or play the “woe is me” card. i could choose so many things, but i choose to be grateful for the hardship. if it had not happened, i would still be a creature out of balance trying to find my way in this world. i have grown so much in the past 3 years and i don’t know that i would have been on the path towards enlightenment i am now on. cliche i know, but: it is always darkest before the light. i truly believe that now. and happiness.... i can now find it more often than not and that my friends is a beautiful thing!
and there came a time when the risk of remaining closed tight in a bud far outweighed the risk it took to bloom
- anais nin