i have always considered myself a positive person, but as i've grown
wiser ~ i've noticed that i love to put a negative tinge on everything.
"i love the work i'm doing right not, but....... i'm not making money
to pay my bills."
"my car is awesome, but...... i don't like it's leather seats and it's
"i like living in los angeles, but...... i don't like the hot summers,
the traffic, etc........"
"i really enjoyed that play, but...... that lead actor was terrible."
everytime i think about my childhood, i think about the bad memories.
it's not that nothing good happened... it did. but when i look at
pictures and i talk to my grandma and aunts and uncles and we talk
about the good times at get togethers, family dinners, helping g&g
rhodes garden ~ i can't remember them. and/or when the memories do come
back, why must my mind always then say "but......" and take me to
another place that is not positive.
I need to put the disclaimer (but.....) on everything and i'm still
discovering why this is. there is a slight and constant discontent.
yes, part of it is a learned habit, but i'm still doing it and making a
choice to. for some reason i need to let people know that life's not
perfect. is it so i don't seem like i have more then others? is it so
people know i'm aiming for more? is it my fear of failure/success? is
it so i can show how discerning my critical mind is? i'm sure it is
some or all of this and more. (i definitely still need to do more
awareness work here.)
some years ago, a teacher introduced the yogic concept of replacing bad
thoughts with good and i've been coming back around to this lately and
trying to explore it more. the idea being that if negative thoughts
creep in, you replace them with positive ones. we all know that that is
easier said then done. so if it's seemingly impossible to replace the
thought with a positive one, move to someplace more positive.
literally! get up and move away from the situation, go out into nature
or go stand by someone you love and shift your mind that way.
at first it was almost always impossible to find a positive thought
when i would be hurt or annoyed. i would think how ridiculous it was to
try to love something i was sure i hated. i would be resistent to the
exercise even though it was happening in my head and i was the only one
judging myself. at first i had a hard time replacing the thoughts and
so i just choose to walk away from frustrating situations and
eventually i could calm myself down. this has been an amazing tool for
me since i used to sit and wallow in the negative situation and end up
but slowly and over time, i have gotten to a point where when someone
instead if thinking:
"you are such a jerk. i can't believe you just cut in line in front of
all of us who have been waiting longer than you."
i can think:
"i have no idea what happened to you today or in your lifetime to cause
you to act this way, but i feel sorry for you."
instead of thinking:
"you bitch. i can't believe you are going to talk to me so demeaningly
and treat me like i'm a 4 year old who needs to be punished when i've
done nothing wrong."
i can think:
"it is clear you are an unhappy person and i hope that you find
instead of thinking:
"oh my god, how in the heck am i going to pay my bills. it is so unfair
that you are moving. why would you do this to me?"
i can think:
"i lost a client and i have to find a new job, but room has been made
for something new and the universe will provide"
another tool i've used a lot is writing positively in my journal. i am
a journaler and had always used it as a way to think things through but
mainly i used it to vent things since i never wanted people to know
what was going on inside of me. so my journals were usually a lot of
venom and confusion. now i allow myself to think things through, but i
always need to point out the positive things about a situation or
person. also i end every entry with at least one thing i am grateful
for. i journal first thing in the morning and to start the day thinking
about my life in a positive way and walk away with one thing i am
grateful for...... it's just powerful.
i still have moments where i lean towards my glass being 1/2 empty. i
still have times where i acknowledge the good and immediately add the
"but.....". BUT........ i am learning to change my pattern of
negativity. i am CHOOSING to change it. i stop myself when i begin to
go to a negative place and try to find something positive. if i can't
find something positive, i make it up and pretend or i just walk into a
positive environment just to make it through without all that angst,
adrenaline, short breathing, upset tummy, and venomous thinking.
because guess what? in the long run, it affects me more then it does
the person/thing i'm pissed at. and it affects not only my mind, but my
body negatively. i am a firm believer that stress and negativity
manifest themselves in our body in the form of sickness and disease.
as with everything ~ i have a ways to go, but i'm on the path and that
sure is something.
i am grateful that i finally wrote my "newsletter" and that you
beautiful people are willing to go along on the ride!
one evening an old cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes
on inside people.
he said, "my son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"one is evil ~ it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false
pride, superiority, and ego.
"the other is good ~ it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and
the grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: "which wolf wins?"
the old cherokee simply replied, "the one you feed."