Life goes on....
I don't know that there will be words of wisdom in this musing. I have no sage advice. I have only an update as to where I am in this life to share. In doing so, I hope some of you will not feel so alone.
The past week has been miserable inside my heartmind. I have been depressed. I didn't want to write this blog while in this condition because, well.... who wants to be around a miserable girl and how scary is it to share that side of me?
But one of my biggest beefs with this society is exactly that. We do not share our hard times, our struggles, our pain. We have no problem telling people about the good times (hello Facebook), but how often do we reach out when we want a shoulder to cry on, when we feel shitty, when everything is going wrong, or just when we've had a taxing day?!? I don't think we do it much at all and definitely not enough.
Taking those times and showing, sharing our vulnerability with others is where the truest and deepest connections in this life come from. It gives us a chance to tell our story and in doing so we begin to heal. Plus, we give the gift of letting someone else feel special that we trusted them enough to tell them our story. If I only write once everything is figured out and I have hindsight - I am a hypocrite. I don't want to be that, so..... here goes.
Life is good. I will preface the rest of this blog with that. It truly is. But at this exact moment, I am sad. Incredibly sad. There is this strong undercurrent of loss that courses through my veins. I am mourning the many losses I have suffered since July. The other day, I just "wanted my Mommie" and so, I called her and cried uncontrollably. And she let me! (Thank you Mom!!!)
When I was talking to her I realized that I have forgotten how to be alone. Which is silly. I have been on my own way more than I have been with someone in this life. But at this point in my life, when I want to go on a walk or snowshoeing or (insert just about anything here) - if no one is available, I don't go. What?!? What is this? WHO is this? Is this the same girl who used to hike in the back woods of the Desolation Wilderness by herself? Is this the same girl who moved to San Francisco AND Los Angeles by herself without knowing a soul? Is this the same girl who went hiking in the San Gabriels in the wee hours of the morning by herself when no one else was yet on the trail except the bobcats and the birds? I have enabled this mindset of needing other people (him) in order to do things ~ to be.... But this is not me. It never has been. I have always been independent and unafraid. No NOT unafraid ~ knowing that if I was afraid, I should gather up my courage and do the thing I was afraid of. Because the things that I do even though I am afraid of them are the things that cause me to grow and learn.
So on Saturday, when no one was available for a hike, I found a brand new trail I had not been on and hiked it all by myself! And it was AWESOME!!!! It was a walking meditation that helped me get through some of the muck. It was also the first step in gaining back my independence. No one took it from me, but somehow with all of these transitions, I seem to have lost it.
I do know some of the reasons I feel so low right now. There is a big convergence that is about to happen in my life. I turn 43 on 2/26/16. My divorce is final on 2/28/16 (I got the paperwork in the mail from the court stating this. Ouch!) And I move into a new place on 3/1/16. Holy cow! It's not here yet, but this crossroads is so powerful for me.
As far as the divorce goes, this is the best and worst birthday gift ever! Part of me wants to resist and think about how bad this sucks and that I can't believe the timing of this. But honestly - could their be a better gift? I always consider my birthday to be the start to my personal new year. So how wonderful and appropriate that I get to end my marriage and move on!!! Truly, this is a great gift. I'll tell ya though, it sure doesn't make it less emotional :-(
In case you didn't get that from above... I have officially decided to stay in Walla Walla and signed a lease very recently to move into my own place. It is an apartment, it is very cute, and I will be living on my own. When the landlord asked me when I wanted to sign the lease, I whooped and hollered for about a minute and then got so overwhelmed with emotions I began to cry! I am going to be living ON MY OWN. Now, I know I will love it. It carries a freedom and it will give me space to sit with all of these undigested bits of life and digest them. But that is scary!!! I will be on my own. I will HAVE to sit and digest all this suffering and pain I have been going through. Up until now I have been too busy to sit with it completely. My life is starting to slow down a bit and so I am moving deeper into the muck. This is a good thing!!!! And yet, it's hard and it's painful.
I also just found out Grandpa Johnson only has about 3 more months with us in this life. When I was first told, I wasn't as emotional as I would have expected myself to be about it. My rational mind thought that since he is getting older it is expected in a way. I thought about how fortunate I am to be 42 years old and still have ANY grandparents left on this earth. But as the days go on, I have a great sadness about saying goodbye to this beautiful man. The tall, dark haired beauty who never seemed to age until very recently. The man who had new jokes for me every time I went to visit him and made me laugh out loud more times than I can remember. A man who taught me honesty, integrity, and how to play pool! I am so sad to loose him and yet, how lucky for me that I am given time to go back so that I can say goodbye to him?!?
But hey, don't worry too much about me. Even though at this exact moment in time, I am grieving ~ I am also quite contented and happy in that little heartmind of mind. You can see that the dualities of light and dark are still very alive in my life in a huge way.
I'm gaining hindsight and realizing that I am better off for going through this divorce. That I deserve better. I am still thoroughly enjoying small town life. I have heard Chad & Janet say "Walla Walla is special." soooooooo many times. I never disagreed with them as it always did seem special. But now I'm here and experiencing this town on a different level and I find myself saying the same thing over and over.
They have taken me in. EVERY person I have met. They are sincere and offer me help and guidance and jobs and info on rental places and anything I need. I have never so often had people walk up to me and tell me, "Walla Walla is so lucky to have you." "You have so much to offer Walla Walla." "You are going to be such a great addition to our community." I have had similar things said so many times now without my soliciting it that I'm beginning to believe it's true. Maybe I do have something to offer this community!
So here I am. In Walla Walla, WA. And oddly enough, in the not quite 4 months I've been here, I feel more 'at home' than I did in the 15 years I lived in LA. Many of you know LA never felt like "home" to me. I am not bagging on LA in the slightest. I love the people I met, the culture it offered, my yoga & theatre communities, and so much more. But it just never felt like home. Walla Walla does!?! I can't explain it well, but that's how I feel.
I want to hold onto so many things from my "old" life and I feel like so much of what I do and say is saying goodbye to that. I feel like I am resisting change and resisting accepting that I can still have the truths of yesterday alive at the same time. But with time......
Last few things....
1) I have a new website. CJoyYoga.com. As with everything in my life, it is in transition. I wanted it to be perfect before I sent it out and announced it, but.... as you know from past musings, I'm trying to get rid of that perfectionist disease :-) If you see something or have a hard time navigating let me know so I can correct the site little by little.
2) I AM coming down to Los Angeles in April. I will be doing a weekend of workshops and a few privates. If you are interested go to my website and check out the "Workshops" page. It should be set up to take credit card payments. If you want to learn from me while I am in town - these are your chances to do so. There are descriptions if you click on each workshop. It is a 3 hour format, but don't be intimidated!!!! We will have moments of you watching me demo or talk about the body. And yes, we will work in your bodies to find the balance of creating space and building strength. Most people can't believe that 3 hours just went by once it's done and they usually want more. There are only 20 spots, so reserve yours by buying one today.
This is kind of a test run as it were. If I can sell spots to workshops and pay my way down to LA, I would love to continue to do this and make it an annual or even a semi-annual thing. Once I settle into my new place and my life settles down, I will begin to film some classes. I know, I know. I've been saying this. I just have to get off my little tush and do it!!!! (Although in my defense - it's been a pretty crazy year.)
Love and light to you all. Show kindness to those around you and I betcha you get some back :-)
Your Quote for this blog:
"Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it also appears to be the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love." ~ Brene Brown