Falling Apart

Hello Friends,

It has been a long time since I’ve written something other than a quick schedule update and it felt like time to touch base on a deeper level. (That said, I’ll send another email very shortly telling ya about the changes coming up as we move from Summer to Autumn!)

Personally, I have been in a mild depression and struggling with heavy things. So many of my Beloveds have been suffering major health issues, losing loved ones, divorce, and huge life transitions in general. It seems like every other Friend I speak to is suffering.

Add to that that in the PNW it has been HOT! I mean miserably HOT since mid-June (it has cooled down a bit finally more recently). All around us has been fire and smoke. In WA all the state parks closed to prevent more fires and I wasn’t able to get out, be in nature, or be as active as much as I try to during the summer months. And then when I would turn on the news….. forget about it.

I’m also friggin exhausted. Do you remember when I wrote a while ago about how our nervous systems have been on high alert and hyper vigilant for about a year? Well, they still are and it’s been over 1 1/2 years now. It takes up so much of our energy. For me this is translating to me not having the energy to do the things I love: cooking, gardening, preserving food, etc…. When I wasn’t working, for a while there I was kinda being hard on myself. Telling myself that I am being “lazy”. That I “should” be more productive. But all I could do is sit and stare at the walls. I couldn’t even read or be creative. The only thing that I was kicking myself to do was to get out in to nature in some capacity as I know that is THEE #1 thing that helps prevent me from going into depression and/or helps me get out of it.

But the more I read the thinkers I love in this day and age and the more I talked to friends and opened up about my experience, the more I realized this seems to be a collective thing. I have been calling it a Collective Falling Apart.

But here’s the deal… I’m not all down. There is this paradox alive for me right now where I KNOW my life is good. That I am privileged and fortunate. That I have an amazing living situation and I can pay my rent. I have been out playing on water with friends.

Through the practices of Yoga all these years, I have a deep well of joy that is constant. It allows me to show up as well as be there for so many of my friends who are calling on me during their hard time. It allows me to be there for ME while I go through my hard time.

As many of you know I like to “name” things. I think only once we have awareness of what is going on can we sit with it and listen to the best way to be with it. In my case, I am allowing myself to stare at the wall a bit without getting too hard on myself. I’m also encouraging myself to be more active so that I don’t go down deeper into my depression. And one note on that - I don’t mind being depressed. It’s not that I find it pleasant, but I don’t believe that everything is peaches and cream all the time. I think it’s realistic to know there will be ups and downs and I try to experience the downs too. Not just ignore them or try to push them away. As a matter of fact, I’d say that the down times have been my greatest teachers. They speak to me of mistreatments, of the ill effects of perfectionism, of what happens when I get my worth from others instead of from inside myself. They whisper to me that I am enough as I am.

Every time Depression, Loneliness, and Anger have come to my door these past few years - I am trying my darnedest to invite them in and ask them to have tea with me. When I do, it’s uncomfortable, no doubt about it. But on the other side of the discomfort is great healing when I give myself permission to feel ALL the feelings. I feel more whole. More complete. I feel like finally I have retrieved most of the bits and pieces of my soul that have scattered and hidden along the way and that all of these Disparate Parts are finally coming together. It’s magnificent (even if difficult)!

I’ve had moments of eating an entire family size bag of chips in about 30 minutes. I have been bawling face down on the floor unable to get up and unable to ask for help. I have drank to the point of being hung over and felt like shit the next day.

I have also gone kayaking and smiled from ear to ear for 2 days straight. I have reached out to friends and asked for emotional help even though I’m petrified of rejection. I have opened my heart even more (Although sometimes I don’t know if that’s possible. LOL). I have literally and figuratively climbed peaks as well as gone underground to the depths.

Joy and Pain are on a spectrum Friends. The same spectrum. If I numb myself so that I don’t feel pain… well, I don’t feel joy either. So I’m ready to embrace the pain and suffering of this life. I have used The Great Pause (the pandemic) to do just that. And the more I do - the higher the highs. Like crazy high highs! I LOVE my life. As it is. Right now. I love myself. As I am. Right now.

Let’s circle back to that Collective Falling Apart for the great finish here. It is in the falling apart that the rebuilding happens. It is in the destruction that the rebirth occurs. What if we need to fall apart on a deep level to come back together and build something better? What if in our foundations being cracked wide open - it gives us the opportunity to fill them in and rebuild something more stable? And I mean this on the collective level, but also in the personal realm. I can’t control what is happening, but I can control my reaction to it. Or at least that is what is happening for me the more I turn to the practices of Yoga. I am learning how to regulate my nervous system so that I can activate my Rest & Digest System (Parasympathetic). I am learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings so they can teach me. I am learning how to pause before I react and say something I will regret later. I am learning to live with this constant changing world we live in without so much fear.

I am probably preaching to the choir here, but if we all showed up and did Yoga (or Tai Chi or Meditation, or Qi Gong or… etc…) what would the world be like?! I imagine that. Often. I don’t know that I can share what I have learned with the whole world, but I share it with those I know. I hope it helps you all and that all that we do collectively ripples out into the world to help promote love, peace, and abundance. Call me a dreamer, but I know it can. I know it does. So I keep showing up. Every day. Even if it’s just observing my lower vibrational behaviors and being softer and not so hard on myself those days.

As John O-Donahue says, “Be excessively gentle with yourself.” I read this every day. I cry most days when I do. This has been one of the hardest lessons of all. But I’m learning it. And I know this Falling Apart is definitely helping me learn it.

I love you all so very much. We are all of us perfect. As we are. Right now!

May all Beings everywhere be well.

CJoy