Indra's Net

Hello Beautiful Friends,

Many of you know that my Mom, Sharon Becker, got vulvar cancer in 2021 and went through radiation. She was cancer free for 9 months. Some of you also know that she was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma this past November. This means that the cancer has come back. At first it was just in her inner groin quite near where the original tumor was. However we have just found out a few days ago that it has spread to the liver and possibly her chest. As you can imagine this is incredibly hard news to hear.

She will continue Immunotherapy for one more round and if it still isn’t reducing the cancer and tumor (it has not been working as of yet), she will then qualify for a clinical trial. There are so so so many variables and even more uncertainty, but there is 1 thing I know with 100% certainty - I want to be with her so we can navigate this together, along with the rest of the family.

And so… I will be moving to Red Wing, MN in the beginning of March. I am giving myself a one month buffer in order to continue to teach and be with the current students and clients so we can all “ween” off of each other. I would also like time to try to “close out” of Walla Walla. This is one of the moments that I am so glad I got rid of most of my material possessions to move into that trailer. At least that part of my journeying may be light.

This may seem random, but stick with me here. Have you heard of Indra’s net? Here is a description from Francis H. Cook ~ “Far away in the heavenly abode of the great god Indra, there is a wonderful net which has been hung by some cunning artificer in such a manner that it stretches out indefinitely in all directions. In accordance with the extravagant tastes of deities, the artificer has hung a single glittering jewel at the net’s every node, and since the net itself is infinite in dimension, the jewels are infinite in number. There hang the jewels, glittering like stars of the first magnitude, a wonderful sight to behold. If we now arbitrarily select one of these jewels for inspection and look closely at it, we will discover that in its polished surface there are reflected all the other jewels in the net, infinite in number. Not only that, but each of the jewels reflected in this one jewel is also reflecting all the other jewels, so that the process of reflection is infinite.”

I am so utterly aware of this concept right now. As I have started to share my grief and sorrow with others, the reactions are incredibly powerful for all of us. The “net” is incredibly apparent to me right now and has gone from a concept to a living breathing being.

A Friend who lost their father to liver cancer years ago can give me reassuring hugs while remembering their father and keeping him alive and in the room with us. A Friend who just 3 weeks ago lost their beloved canine companion can cry healing tears as they remember them and also feel for my heart and the journey I’m about to embark on. A young college student can wait until the others have left and share with me that their father has stage 4 cancer and we can both of us break down into tears and hold each other and hold space for each other even though we’ve only known each other for 3 weeks!

And so it goes…. We have all lost a beloved being in our lives or suffered a loss of some kind. We each reflect each other in this “net”, this woven tapestry of which we are all a part of. How frickin Beautiful is that?!? As Tara Brach talks about grief she says - “there is a terribleness and the cherishing of life” all at the same time and “Embedded in grief is Love.”

This will be a great time of loss for me. Loss of a business I created in Walla Walla. Loss of closeness in proximity to people I’ve come to know and love. I just said goodbye to a friend who died of liver cancer last Thursday. I am saying goodbye to a Friend who is suffering with dementia and fading fast. My mother may not have all that much time left in her body. And I’m not even talking about the losses that I still haven’t completely healed from that happened with/during the pandemic. But within this - I also have a time of great Love. A time to connect to those I love on a deeper level. Because let’s be honest - losses don’t stop happening. This is something I will continue to invite into my house for tea. Loss is a teacher if we allow it to be. Francis Weller talks about having “an apprenticeship with sorrow”. I have only skimmed the surface of that, but it lands deep.

I also want to say that I am very aware that for those of you who are currently in classes and privates here, you will have the loss of that very in-person intimate connection. You are losing a teacher and a Friend. That is not lost on me. Nor will it be one sided. I spend 1-4 hours each week with you Loves in my life and have been teaching some of you for about 6 years now (Walla Walla Friends). To suddenly have that change will be a loss in my life for which I will grieve as well. I know I am not alone in having losses and I know loss is not new.

But what will be new for me is grieving them freely and as fully as I can. What do I mean by that? Here’s the thing, most of us (myself included) are too afraid to truly feel the sorrow of loss, to fully grieve the loss. Or maybe we are just too busy. Maybe we MAKE ourselves too busy so we don’t have to deal with it. Maybe someone tells us we “should be over it by now”. I’m sure there are many other reasons why we coat over the pain and therefore never get to heal completely. Carl Jung says, “The source of our suffering is the un-faced, unfelt parts of our psyche.” I believe this to be true. So at this point in my life I have made a commitment to show up and sit in the discomfort of the sorrow and fully grieve any losses that come my way.

No more Denial. “It’s no big deal that I have a cast on my arm and can no longer participate physically in the sport (gymnastics) and activity that keeps me sane and that I love more than anything.”

No more Clinging. “I know this marriage isn’t healthy but if I just put on these blinders and don’t bother to look at the issues, we can stay together and I won’t have to deal with the loss of a husband.”

No more Addictive Behaviors. “If I just eat this bag of cookies/buy this thing/have another drink so that I don’t have to feel the pain, Ill be able to get through this.”

No more Blaming and Anger. “If you had just showed up like you were suppose to, this wouldn’t have happened.” Or even harder is when I turn the anger and blaming in on myself, “You stupid jerk. You screwed up again and now you have lost ______.”

No more Vengeance. “I’ll make you pay for _______”.

No more Bargaining. “I’ll do anything God if you just ______”.

No more Depression. “I’ll focus on myself and my worthlessness rather than on feeling the pain of the loss and I will isolate myself from others rather than seek out connection.” (Please know that I am not talking about those of us who suffer with Clinical Depression which is different than what I am writing about here which is when I ruminate and wallow. Those with Clinical Depression can be suffering with BOTH Clinical Depression and Grief at the same time. Consider seeing a mental health therapist if you feel this is you. Shit, considering seeing a mental health therapist even if this is not you. Every time I have worked with a therapist they have given me tools that I still use to this day!!!!)

With any of these things I am merely avoiding the one place I can truly find healing: opening to the grief and finding ACCEPTANCE.

I can guarantee I won’t do this perfectly, but my hope is that I can start to notice when one of the above behaviors kicks in. When I find myself “holding back to ward off the rawness of pain and the vulnerability of loss. AKA: Vulnerability Management Strategies.” May I pause and ask myself, “What might be under this? What’s going on here? What am I unwilling to feel?” And maybe, just maybe, I’ll pause and be able to “deepen my attention with non-judgemental curiosity and kindness” (quoted items are from Tara Brach). My wish for myself is: May I find the courage to be that vulnerable.

On the business side of things:
Please be patient with me as I navigate a changing landscape. I plan on teaching my regular schedule with the last day being Saturday, March 4, 2023. This includes public classes as well as private clients. So PLEASE come and join our community in-person classes if that works for you while we can still be in-person. I will still continue to teach the same classes at the same times on Zoom even once I move to Red Wing, MN. I already have that going through Patreon, so if you still want to study with me - well sign up for the $50/month level on Patreon and join class through Zoom. There are 20-ish (5 classes/wk) classes each month for only $50 people! That’s a steal of a deal! There are almost 700 videos on demand already on Patreon you can access or $15/month. I’m not trying to do a sales pitch here, but I’m just saying… we can still be together if you really want that. I know that Live online classes don’t work for many of you and for those folks, my wish for you is: May you find an awesome local teacher with whom you can continue your practices. (Don’t worry, my voice will still be in your head. LOLOLOLOLOL! {and that is totally my maniacal laugh})

For anyone in Walla - Give me time, but I will be contacting folks to see if and who wants a refund for any packages you did not use up. I want to honor that. But please be patient as that is not the priority at the moment. Once I get to Red Wing, I hope to have more time to thoroughly tend to all things. Period.

Am I missing anything?????? You all know where to find me. I guess I would add that for those responding with lovely messages of support - I will read and see them all. However, I might not get to them for a while as I try to wrap up one chapter of my life quickly before moving to the next. But know that I have read them and that I love you and appreciate all of the love, compassion, kindness, prayers, thoughts, etc… that anyone sends to our family right now. I do believe in distance healing and that energy you send means the world. It doesn’t have to be in written form :-)

I think I’ll leave us with this, a poem from Langston Hughes:

ISLAND

Wave of sorrow,
Do not drown me now:

I see the island
Still ahead somehow.

I see the island
And its sands are fair:

Wave of sorrow,
Take me there.

For any of my Friends suffering pain, sorrow, grief, and loss - here a few helpful tools I’ve found recently (if you end up checking them out, you will see reflections from each of them in this musing):

Tara Brach: Grieving and Timeless Love

On Being with Krista Tippett: The Thrilling New Science of Awe

On Being with Krista Tippett: The Soul in Depression

All There Is with Anderson Cooper ~ Stephen Colbert: Grateful for Grief (Thank you Emily Asmus)

If you are suffering and need help there is the amazing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Dial: 988 for The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Thank you all for being a part of this amazing Indra’s net with me! Here is a thought that is bringing me great solace these days… we will all be looking at the same moon. So get out those Lunar Phases Cards I sent to many of you and let’s look at the moon together in Awe!

May our jewels shine bright and always reflect the light of those around us.
May we notice when we are avoiding the sorrow and be courageous enough to sit with curiosity and kindness as well as no judgement as we explore the sorrow.
May we know if the pain is too acute at this moment in time so that we don’t take too much of it in before we have the tools to be able to sit with it.
May we reach out to others in our net for support.
May we know that we are not alone in our sorrow. I know no one who has not suffered from loss. And the people I know who are living the most whole heartedly are those who have suffered GREAT losses and been courageous enough to find healing in their sorrow.

PS - The website and Patreon page will have some mistakes on it as all is shifting, but I don’t have the time to update it all. If you have questions.. get a hold of me please :-)

So.Much.Love!
CJoy