What Supports You?
For the majority of my life I have always believed that I needed other people to support me. I tend toward co-dependency and I would look to 1 person/maybe 2 at a time and relied on them to take care of me. I expected way too much and I can see now how unhealthy that pattern was/is. I DO believe that we need connection with others. I DO believe that reaching out to allow that deep connection is an incredible bond and part of the path to healing. But what I didn’t realize is that I could be a part of my own support system. That I could reach out to and provide myself with some of the things I needed. Add to that that I super duper didn’t realize that non-human beings and things could be a part of my Circle of Support.
For decades now I have known that when I go on walks and get outside - I feel calmer and can think things through (especially if the walks involve forests, mountains, or water). I have known that a bath can ease my worried mind and bring me solace in hard times. Until a number of years ago though, I didn’t identify these things as part of my Circle of Support.
Since I have started viewing them as such, it has completely changed how supported I feel in each moment. When I am angry, I can go sit by Grandmother Silver Maple and tell her about the injustice and she will sooth me. As I cry tears into Mother Earth, she reaches up and cradles me when I’m grieving. Even in my Asana practice (postural yoga), I have come to view the blocks, blankets, walls, mats, you name it - as my support system. This has been an amazing practice that I have tried to share in my teaching and with friends as it’s been so helpful for me.
A few weeks ago, I found a passage in Natalie Goldberg’s “Writing Down The Bones” where she says it much more eloquent than I. “As writers we are always seeking support. First, we should notice that we are already supported every moment. There is the earth below our feet and there is air, filling our lungs and emptying them. We should begin from this when we need support. There is the sunlight coming through the window and the silence of the morning. Begin from these.”
I would like to re-iterate that I do not believe this gives us an excuse NOT to reach out to the humans around us. This connection is incredibly important for our mental, emotional, and physical well being that we humans are hard wired for. These “other” supports are in ADDITION TO our human support. But maybe I’m preaching to the choir here. I think many of you already do this whether you name it this way or not.
On the human front, I already mentioned that I feel your presence in my net even though I no longer live next to most of you. Plus, I have a few more “Friends” here in Red Wing who have joined my Circle of Support. Mora, my golden doodle niece takes me on walks to see the town and the bluffs. The backyard Cardinals show up reminding me that even pain has beauty folded into it as they bring a smile to my face. My family is of course here supporting me (but I dare say that they have been part of my Circle of Support for decades now :-).
As I am writing this I am looking up and around at all of the support I have that will help me find the words I need to give ya’ll an update. I am closing my eyes and imagining our roots running through the earth in order to connect us; your energy coming into me, mine into you (only with your permission of course). I need this support at this time in my life and can’t thank you enough for your generosity.
The main question I am getting from so many of you recently is, “How are you?”. Me? I’m “okay”. This move more than any other has been really friggin hard all the way around. From the basics of leaving Walla Walla and all the loss that entails; to seeing mom so ill; to moving here to crappy weather; to not having much work (or seeing much potential to teach yoga as a career here); to moving back in with other humans after living alone for almost 7 years. We live well together, but it’s still such a huge change. I guess you could say ~ I am adjusting.
But I am also trying to embrace all of this and sit with whatever arises to let it teach me. After all, I not only knew this is what I was moving into, but I chose to move knowing it would have many challenges. I also know that it will be a great teacher in time.
So at the moment, I still have days of great sorrow, of people irritating me, of not being as compassionate as I’d like to be to others, I find myself in my old pattern of self-defense I call “Lil Miss Superior” a lot, and I am eating WAY more sugar than my body likes (and it’s telling me so), BUT…. I am also kinder and gentler with myself than I have ever been in my life before. I’m learning how to soften and be more compassionate with MYSELF. For those of you who know me, this is revolutionary in my world. It’s really quite something to witness.
As always, amidst the challenges there are joys. The walks with Mora I already mentioned are a highlight. She is a great companion and loves to show me around. Hunter, my 15 year old feline companion who I thought might die from the stress of the move, is doing really well. As the new Red Wing vet said - “She’s doing as good as a 15 year old cat with thyroid issues and stage 2 kidney disease can be.” So that is a huge weight off of my shoulders. She isn’t too sure about the other 2 animals in the house and stays in the room, but we are taking baby steps. She’s not dying and I’m choosing to focus on that. With the warmer weather, I have been bringing her outside with me for teaching and gardening and she is in heaven with me out there. It brings me great joy to see her in her element!
The birds here are AMAZING!!!!!!! In the backyard alone I get to watch finches, cardinals, woodpeckers, chickadees, and more I don’t have names for yet. We live about 1/2 mile from the Mississippi and when I go down there I see so much water fowl I have yet to ID. I also have the honor of observing bald eagles multiple times each week. Oh, and I get to see the Might Mississippi most every day. Kinda powerful.
My sister and B-I-L, Alyssa & Cameron, have an amazing garden I get to be present in. They have an official MN Pollinator Garden so I have my Butterfly ID pamphlet ready. (LOL!) They have given me to thumbs up on helping build bird “habitat” to encourage the birds as well. So of course I have a MN Bird ID pamphlet and my binoculars by the front door. Needless to say, I’m very excited for garden/yard work and non-human Friend watching.
The second question I am getting asked by so many of you (and rightfully so as you’ve been with me on this journey) is, “How is your mother?” Mama? Yeah… this is one of the hardest questions to answer right now. She is “well enough”?!? It is an ever evolving, morphing thing. Every time we think we understand something or get a test result - it somehow changes in a short period of time.
That said, we had a pretty big day last Wednesday with Dr. Block (Mama’s main doctor overseeing all of her care). The radiation in her groin reduced the tumor there and almost all of the inflamed lymph nodes in her groin and her chest have also shrunk. So it seems the radiation worked! Yay!!! The cancer in her liver has grown, but not substantially in the past 3 months and the doctor is not too concerned with this at the moment as this is what the chemo will hopefully target. But… (and as I mentioned above, there often seems to be a “but” these days) there is a new nodule on her urethra and she will be anesthetized on Thursday so they can biopsy that. Boo on a new nodule!!!
Every time I have been thinking about writing an update, I keep thinking I’ll wait until the next appointment, the next biopsy, etc… This is a huge teacher for me currently ~ to understand deeply that certainty is DEFINITELY not ever going to happen as mom moves through treatment. I am trying my best to put into practice all of the things I have learned about dealing with uncertainty through the mindfulness practices I have learned for exactly these kinds of situations in life. I do think the divorce and the pandemic have trained me well and are making it possible for me to have some grace so I can be of service to Mama in all of this.
Well ~ I think that’s the gist of it. I could rattle on for a while about all of it, but I think that’s the update for now.
Mainly, I am so very grateful for all the support ya’ll have shown along the way. For your interest in following my journey. For your thoughts and prayers for our family as we navigate this chapter of our lives. It means more than you might know. Many of you wrote me such lovely heartfelt things to let me know you were/are holding my heart and I’m sorry that I didn’t respond. I wasn’t able to at that moment in time. Party due to being too busy moving, then unpacking, and then getting Mama B through radiation, but also partly for sitting with so much sorrow and being unable to form my thoughts enough to respond much less to have the will. It was pretty rough for the first 2 months. I’m not gonna lie. But again, having ya’ll as part of my Circle of Support was crucial and got me through. (And please know I have a few close friends whom I have leaned on in intimate and deep ways to have that deeper level of human connection I believe is so important.)
Here are 2 things that I am certain of (which is saying a lot since almost everything in life is uncertain).
1) I am suppose to be here right now however challenging it may be at times.
2) I have the tools!!! For everything that has come up - I have the tools to get me through! I may have to kick myself in the ass to practice the thing I know will help me in the moment. I may have to fumble a bit and realize that “oh, no - not this tool - I need that one”. But each challenge that has arisen so far - I have felt the support of not only you, but also of these tools (and the trees and the earth and the river and the yoga mat and… and… and….). How amazing is that!?! To know that I’ve got this!
This life is such a trip! I don’t know about you, but I like taking trips. I like adventure. I have fiinally come to understand that the “trip” doesn’t have to be on an airplane to someplace exotic. It can be turning inward or revisiting a place, or a relationship you haven’t been to in a long while. Coming to it as if you’ve never been there/known them before, being curious, and exploring. So here is to this life, this trip, and all the experiences it holds for us.
Oh - and I am still teaching classes online Friends. This is one of my lifelines right now. To see ya’ll and to get an opportunity to not only teach, but to help others find healing. So if you feel so inclined - join us won’tcha. If you aren’t sure it’s your thing and you wanna try it before committing - email me and I’ll send ya a link so you can try your first 2 classes for free to check out our community.
Oh, oh - here is my address for the time being. Some of you had asked for it. It’s the same address as from the last email I sent and since Hunter is okay here for now…. it will be for the near future.
822 W 4th Street
Red Wing, MN 55066
So.Much.Love!
Christel Joy Johnson