For Good

The picture was taking by my sister, Alyssa, last summer when we brought Mama B blueberry picking. This became a symbol for this chapter of my life. Me walking her to her death.

There is a beautiful song called “For Good” [From Wicked}. I want to post a section of it here. (Please consider reading it out loud as it affects the emotions and therefore the body in a more profound way.) Also, I suggest listening to the whole song as it is stunning. You can click here for a version of the original Broadway performers singing a version.

“For Good [From Wicked]”

“I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives,
For a reason.
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those,
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well I don't know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today,
Because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit,
As it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder,
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better,
But because I knew you,
I have been changed for good.”

For any of my Friends who do not know (and why would you as I haven’t posted anything about it) - Mama B passed on January 8, 2024. As far as shitty situations can go - hers went well. It sucks that she suffered with cancer and that it eventually took her life (they believe a tumor blocked her digestive system which caused and infection leadng to sepsis). Honestly? It was/is gutting.

And yet…. she got to live to meet her newest and probably last grandbaby, Atlas Finley who was born on November 28, 2023. She got to live and be surrounded by her family who made it back to be with her for Christmas. She also expressed more than once that she didn’t want to live a long grueling death where she was bedridden with other people wiping her ass. Well, she didn’t have that. She died quickly and surrounded by love.

Those of us in Red Wing got to be with her in the hospital. I held her hand and got to talk to her as she took her last breath. Fuck was that so hard. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in this lifetime and also one of the best. No joke. What an honor to be with her! After she passed, the nurses graciously gave us as much time with the body as we wanted. What a gift! I know I would have had a much more difficult time processing her death, the grief, and the loss if I hadn’t been able to have time all of that time with her. It gave me bonding with others having shared that experience. It gave me “ritual” to help process. We didn’t have an actual ritual prepared, and yet, being there, stroking her face, holding her hand, talking to her, telling her it’s okay to let go/to leave her body, all of it….. that was a form of ritual for her and for those of us present. I am so very glad I made the choice to be back her with her. It would have been “easier” to have stayed in Walla Walla with the life I had built, and yet - I do believe it would have been much harder in many ways.

Back to the song - “For Good”….. This song has been so strongly with me. I heard it by Chance (those of you who know me know I don’t believe it was Chance but rather Divine Providence, but I’ll call it Chance for the non-believers :-) a number of weeks ago and it just landed in my Soul so deeply. I immediately felt that it was a bridge to all the feelings, emotions, grief, and ultimately a bridge straight to Mama B.

It’s so easy when someone dies to not want to say anything about or think about their negative qualities. As if we are a “bad” person for even having them. It’s also easy to get angry at those negative qualities of the deceased and feel unresolved that they don’t have to “pay” for those actions or whatever other ways we might express that (especially when they affected us personally).

Mama B and I had a complex relationship. I think that’s true of just about every mother and child. Add in the complexity of a mother/daughter relationship and BAM!!!!! She had many moments growing up that I didn’t think she was a very “good” mom. She could be self-absorbed and tend to think only about herself. She was crazy busy/consumed with work which meant I came home to an empty house more often than not. I didn’t have anyone watching me perform at my meets and games, etc….. I could go on chasing after the evidence of that negative bias and I would always find more material for the fire of anger (This is how the mind works).

But she was HUMAN!!!!!!! Even though I have tried to work through this shit over decades because I don’t want to be mad at her about it anymore. I want to take accountability for my choices. Well, it seems that some anger still exists in me. There have been plenty of times that I have witnessed myself wanting to “chime in” when someone tells me how awesome my mom was and let them know the many ways she was not. I don’t, but that exists inside of me for me to contend with. Talk about complexity!!!!!

I could also chose to believe she was a great mother and try to find that evidence (and if I choose to believe it I will always find it - this is neuroscience people!) The memories of us camping and canoeing and fishing and traveling. I know I have so many of her mannerisms and I also know that my voice and way of speaking makes me sound so much like her. I love that. She is one of the most well spoken, smart women I know. She was amazingly creative. She modeled being a hard worker. She LOVED music and we used to sing at the top of our lungs in the car. Our favorite part of church was singing hymns. She is one of the reasons I love to have houseplants and to garden. I look more like her the older I get. I sound more like her the older I get…. I could go on.

If you could have a conversation with Mama B - I am positive she could tell you of the many ways I was a terrible daughter and a magnificent one all at the same time too. She has her own stories to tell.

So then this song plays that talks about someone coming into my life for a reason. Bringing something I must learn. Who will help me grow if I let them…. And I’m slayed. At one point in the song Elphaba asks forgiveness for all she’s done that Glinda blames her for. Glinda points out that there’s blame to share and that none of it seems to matter anymore. And I am slayed.

Stephen Schwartz is the composer and when he talked about writing this song, he talked about how he loved the term “for good”. It can have a double meaning. For Good as in positive and desirable in nature. For Good as in forever, permanently.

The song ends like this:

”Who can say if I've been changed for the better.
I do believe I have been changed for the better.
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you,
I have been changed
For good.”

So Mama B - you do not need my forgiveness, nor do I need yours. We came into each other’s life to learn lessons and to grow. I do believe we have done that for each other. I do believe you will continue to do that for me. I cannot think of any other mother whose indigo womb I was supposed to grow in. There is no other mother I would rather have an invisible emotional umbilical cord connecting me to them, still and always. There is no other mother for me. It is and will continue to be YOU (as well as all the complexity that that entails).

Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am. Although it has taken me a long time, I finally know that I belong. Just as I am. That I am enough. Just as I am. That I love who I am. Just as I am. That I am a daughter you are proud of and that you love me deeply. Just as I am.

And because I knew you, I have been changed For Good. And yes, I do believe I have been changed for the better. I love you Mama B. Just as you are too. Or at least, that is my intention and my soul work. To love us and the relationship we have had and will continue to have. To know that any adversity we faced helped to form us into these beautiful beings that have changed each other for the better, as well as for good.

This loss is something we all share. We will all lose all that we love. That is hard to hear, but it is true. So may we grieve and mourn and love in community. Reach out to those you know who are going through loss. It’s awkward, but reach out. Don’t try to fix anything or make their pain go away. Just say something like, “I am sorry you are suffering.” Or, “I am sorry for your loss.”. Don't ask them if there is something you can do for them - they are overwhelmed. Donate money to an organization in their loved one’s name. Bring over simple, easy to digest soup. Write them a note with a poem that touches you and send it in the mail.

Those of us going through loss - reach out if and when you can. It’s soooooooooo hard. Or at least it has been for me. Mostly, I just haven’t had the bandwidth to reach out much. But there are those couple of people who I could reach out to. I had to push through the feelings of being a burden or putting too much on them. I still have to. But I do. This is my work.

I show up for my Soul Work in gentle loving ways that I know will sooth me. I also listen to when I need to turn inward. There are times I want to distract and numb and I ask myself to pay attention to the pain and to try to sit with it. Sometimes that is necessary so I don’t get pulled under. There are also the times when I can sit with is and ask myself, “Where do I feel it in my body? Can I breathe into it?” I put my hand on my heart and tell myself, “I am so sorry for your loss Baby Girl. What can I do for you.?” And then I LISTEN and try my darnedest to show up in that way.

Most importantly - I allow myself to feel the sadness. It will not go away. If I shove it down it will show up as congestive heart failure or some other dis-ease. The OverCulture we live in encourages us to dim the pain, to “get over it”, to “get on with it”, to get back to work. I refuse to do that shit anymore. I am defiant. Yes, it is hard to go into these tender places, but the more I do - the more joy I am finding. The more I am able to let go of the anger. The more I can connect to others (including my mom even though she is not able to be physically with me in her body any more).

I am not a psychotherapist so I am not prescribing something for you, I am just sharing my expiernce. But speaking of mental health therapists- reach out and find one to work with if you need help and you need tools. Can we please STOP having all of this negative stigma around grief and loss. IT IS A PART OF LIFE AND A PART THAT HELPS US TO FIND JOY!!!! If you build up armor around your heart - then you build up armor that your most authentic self can’t send out to the world either. You build an isolating confining trap for yourself to live in. Be kind and compassionate with yourself Friends! That has been my biggest life lesson back here during this time.

This last year was incredibly hard and there is no place else I would have rather been. Without all y’all - it would have been much harder. Thank you for the handwritten letters and the poems, for the check-ins and the chai gift cards this past year. I just can’t express how much those connections meant and helped me pull through this. I still have a long ways to go to digest and integrate. You are getting this email when it is all still quite fresh (she passed not quite 3 months ago). So please forgive any non-cohesiveness or misspellings. My mind is not sharp yet.

I would love to leave y'all with a parting poem as I am a firm believer that poetry is Soul Salve. Please consider reading it out loud and dedicating to any one that you have lost in your lifetime (which could be a part of yourself you have banished because they weren’t “good enough”).

I love you and thank you for joining me on my journey. As well as for your patience as I was pretty out of communication this past year. I received all of your love even if I gave myself the gift of turning inward and being with family instead of sprouting outward and contacting you.

In Loving Kindness,
Christel Joy

For When People Ask
Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

I want a word that means
okay and not okay,
more than that: a word that means
devastated and stunned with joy.
I want the word that says
I feel it all all at once.
The heart is not like a songbird
singing only one note at a time,
more like a Tuvan throat singer
able to sing both a drone
and simultaneously
two or three harmonics high above it—
a sound, the Tuvans say,
that gives the impression
of wind swirling among rocks.
The heart understands swirl,
how the churning of opposite feelings
weaves through us like an insistent breeze
leads us wordlessly deeper into ourselves,
blesses us with paradox
so we might walk more openly
into this world so rife with devastation,
this world so ripe with joy.