The Facts Of Life
Well Friends,
I have had a few of ya’ll inquiring how Mama B, myself, and the family are, which makes sense cause it’s been a while since I’ve written. So… I thought I’d reach out with an update as well as let all ya’ll know what the end of year offerings of CJoy Yoga look like. A two-fer-one kind of musing :-)
Let’s start with the update shall we?! I guess I’ll start by saying this is one of the most complex times of my life with the most paradoxes alive as I have ever lived into.
Mama B was given a prognosis of 6 months a couple of months ago. Getting a prognosis was both incredibly scary as well as a bit of a relief for me personally. I had already had it in my mind that she didn’t have much time left, but then when a doctor says it - it was a bit shocking to the system and brought a lot of sorrow with it. At the same time, there was a bit of relief in having some kind of certainty after many many months of none. I don’t want my mom to die and yet I am so happy she chose to enter into hospice and not do any more chemo because watching her health and quality of life degrade at such a rapid pace on chemo the last time was difficult. I want her to have as good of a quality of life as she can have while being as comfortable as she can. And I’m just scratching the surface of the complexities, but as far as things that are not great can go…. she is doing alright. Her hospice team is great. She no longer has to go to Mayo Clinic (45 minutes away) for doctor appointments. Hospice covers her getting massages twice a month which help her nervous system tremendously. It is a time which teaches me yet again that there can be sorrow and joy alive at the same time, that negative situations can still hold positive rays of light, and that impermanence is the name of the game.
Mama B is holding her head up high through it all. She is amazing to watch as she navigates this with such grace. She is trying to enjoy what she can. We just did a short trip to my brother’s so we could see his new place and get out for a few days. We celebrated her birthday with an amazing home cooked meal and her favorite - Burnt Sugar Cake. We are trying to create and cultivate positive experiences in the middle of a not so positive situation. Daily I get to PRACTICE finding compassion, grace, and gratitude (among other things).
Me personally…. as I told a friend recently:
”There are no lack of opportunities during this time to look at past patterns, old beliefs, and healing stories I have told myself over the years. There is no shortage of deep grieving. But I think I am ready for this… like my soul has been longing to let some of this shit go. I am emotionally raw much of the time and I’m okay with that. I am messy and trying to be more okay with that. LOL. Starting now jobs and not being “put together” has been a good study for me. Initially, I sure don’t care for it, but then I remind myself to be kind to my good Friend, Christel Joy.”
If I were going to add anything to that it would be that upon moving here I find myself repeating a phrase, a mantra of sorts, “This shit is hard.” It may not sound very yogic, but it suits me and this time well. It acknowledges that what I am going through is incredibly difficult. It also has hope in it for me. Yes, this is hard, but I will get through it. If I can find my courage and show up with a strong back and a soft front (Roshi Joan Halifax’s phrase) I will learn and grow so very much during this time. I already have. I have so many things I am witnessing. Full stop. My witness and ability to be aware is so strong right now. I find myself moving into patterns I no longer want to participate in and more often than not, I realize before I have gone into the pattern. I am able to pause and chose to respond rather than react. I also witness the ways I have grown since I lived back in these parts 29 years ago and can acknowledge that and see the positive ways I have moved forward in this life. That may not sound big to you, but for me this is HUGE. I have rarely taken the time to look back and if I did, I usually wouldn’t give myself much credit for the way I navigated getting through this life and all of it’s various experiences. So that’s quite new for me. I am growing. I try not to expect the growth or strive for it. I try to just show up everyday with vulnerability and a desire to be kind.
As always, I am grateful for Yoga & Ayurveda and how much they help me find more compassion and forgiveness of others yes, but mainly of myself. I am softening each day and by softening I am able to just simply be me. Be comfortable being me. Belonging as me and no longer trying to fit in. Knowing I am enough just as I am. I don’t have to change or be better or be perfect. I just need to be me.
And YES - I am practicing self-care on a very deep level and taking care of myself. I have the tools and for the most part - I am using them. I feel pretty great about where I am at. Again, things are going pretty good for being in such a crappy situation. At the end of last year, I promised myself I would try my darnedest to experience it ALL. Well, it seems the Universe perked up their ears and decided they would help me practice, because it has been a bit of a whirlwind and I have gotten to practice ALOT!!!! LOL!
As Padraig O Tuama says in his poem The Facts of Life (see below for full poem - it’s stunning): “… you will learn most from the situations you did not choose.” Amen - I couldn’t agree more.
During this coming week of practicing gratitude - maybe practice being grateful for a situation that you did not choose, yet helped you to learn the most. I am practicing being grateful for this time with a loved one who will be leaving her body soon. It is not easy, and yet I am grateful. This is the stuff this life can be made of. Choose kindness, compassion, forgiveness, love, and positivity. We humans are not hard wired for it - but with practice, we can find it.
And of course - as always, I am grateful for you all. It took me so many years to realize I had a support system around me the whole dang time and that I could call upon them (you all) even if I wasn’t standing next to you. That you send me love and hope and kindness and compassion and thoughts and prayers and good juju and healing energy - it is feeding my soul during this difficult period. Thank you doesn’t seem to do it justice, but that is what I have to offer you. Thank you for being with me on this journey.
With Gratitude,
CJoy
Celebrate Winter Solstice by giving yourself the gift of discovering the abundance within….
Last Chakra TuneUp of the year
End of the Year Schedule in a Nutshell
Inspiration
The Facts of Life
Written by Pádraig Ó Tuama
That you were born
and you will die.
That you will sometimes love enough
and sometimes not.
That you will lie
if only to yourself.
That you will get tired.
That you will learn most from the situations
you did not choose.
That there will be some things that move you
more than you can say.
That you will live
that you must be loved.
That you will avoid questions most urgently in need of
your attention.
That you began as the fusion of a sperm and an egg
of two people who once were strangers
and may well still be.
That life isn’t fair.
That life is sometimes good
and sometimes even better than good.
That life is often not so good.
That life is real
and if you can survive it, well,
survive it well
with love
and art
and meaning given
where meaning’s scarce.
That you will learn to live with regret.
That you will learn to live with respect.
That the structures that constrict you
may not be permanently constricting.
That you will probably be okay.
That you must accept change
before you die
but you will die anyway.
So you might as well live
and you might as well love.
You might as well love.
You might as well love.