Thresholds
Hiya Friends,
I’m back after a long hiatus from writing musings. Partly I have been going through a lot that I could not yet put into words. Partly I have been unmotivated to be “on top of things” through this pandemic. However, recently in writing letters to Friends, I realized I have enough words to express where I am, even if I still am in process of figuring it all out.
Let’s start with some incredibly positive “news” shall we?!? A few years ago, I sat down with Terri Cotts who is an amazing life coach and yoga teacher here in town and she helped me figure out some intentions I had for CJoy Yoga. She helped me figure out how to grow this business. (She is fantastic by the way and I highly recommend her life coaching - which she is currently doing over Zoom.) She is also a Friend and in conversation the other day she pointed out that I had reached a couple of the intentions I had set. After the phone call, I sat down and tried to remember all the intentions I set - and to my recollection - I have achieved all of them with the exception of not making my hourly wage for each session. That’s INCREDIBLE!!!!! Woot woot!!!! Go Christel Joy!!!
And yet, I’m completely uncomfortable and overwhelmed by it. I don’t know what to do with the success. I want to IMMEDIATELY point out the ways in which I am NOT successful. I want to point out how little money I still make. Or I don’t want people to know I am successful. Or maybe it’s that I don’t want people to judge me and look down on me because I think making $30,000/year is successful. Or that I still live in a trailer so that I can making a living teaching yoga. Add to that that being an over achiever who loves to be in production mode - I want to figure out what’s next? What are my next intentions? It’s this tendency I have to skip over celebrating the achievements and moving into grindstone mode immediately.
I don’t have all the answers as to what is happening as you can tell. But I sure am making a lot of observations and getting “pieces of the puzzle”. This is just a few days old - this realization, but I am noticing the discomfort I have around it. How I don’t want to talk about it and if I do talk about it, how I wanna point out what’s not successful, etc… I tear up and get overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle it.
This is happening elsewhere in my life as well. I have 3 main beliefs I have always held:
1) I am not worthy
2) I am unwanted
3) I don’t belong
We could have a conversation about whether it’s true or at what times I have felt it or how others viewed me, but the fact remains that when I don’t believe it - when I look at everything in my life through those lens - I will ALWAYS find a way to confirm it. To make it my reality.
And so…. for 40 some years - I have not been worthy, wanted, or belonged. Again, this is in my HeartMind. In Jesse Goldmark’s Understanding Your Personal Energy Workshops (which I’ve talked about in past musings before and highly recommend), these things kept coming up again and again and again and again and…. I have been very aware of their presence for a few years now and trying to practice feeling worthy and wanted and like I belong. I have chipped away at each of them little by little not feeling huge effects because the change has been slow and I have been too “close” to see the change.
Well…something magical is happening inside of my HeartMind right now. A SEISMIC shift. All of the stars are aligning. All the “showing up” and right effort are paying off. Every time I meditate, do breath work, and practice the postures of the physical limb of Yoga - my HeartMind knows I am finally showing up and supporting us. I started seeing a therapist again and for the first time while I am not in crisis mode. Sheila Hair helps ask me questions that are leading me to the roots of all these beliefs and we are finally letting them go. Again - how INCREDIBLE is that!!!!!! Truly a life time achievement. I know there will always be work to be done, but I am standing at a threshold at the moment. A big one.
I KNOW I am enough. I KNOW I am worthy. I KNOW I belong. That’s friggin HUGE!
And yet… I don’t know how to do this. How to live this way. How to embody this. How to step into my power (which ultimately is stepping into the Divine that is coming through me).
I have looked through these other lenses for over 4 decades now. Literally. So for over 40 years I have lived in the world one way. I don’t know how to live another way.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know I’ll figure it out. That’s just who I am. I am an explorer - I just happen to be exploring my inner landscape at the moment instead of the outer world.
I am still reminding myself to celebrate. I have begun to share these things with Friends. I am finally seeing that I have some amazing Friends who are holding my hand. They are sitting in the bleachers cheering me on. I am sooooooo excited to blossom into this next chapter.
But right now I am in this liminal space of not knowing how to be. Maybe I’m making it harder than it needs to be. Maybe I’m making it more dramatic than it needs to be (You people do know that I graduated with a theatre performance degree and did theatre for 20 years right?!?). It doesn’t FEEL dramatic in my HeartMind. It doesn’t feel bad or wrong inside. I just feel a little lost, kinda like I’m falling.
Yeeeeaaaarrrs ago, I found “The Power of Myth” with Joseph Campbell. The first time I heard this next quote my heart stopped for a moment and tears pushed up from my solar plexus to exit through my eyes with much force.
“A bit of advice given to a young Native American at the time of his initiation. As you go the way of life, you will see a great chasm. Jump. It is not as wide as you think.”
Geeze Lahweeze - even typing that just now I am crying. It’s meant something each time I have read it since my 20’s. But never has it been so powerful as it is right now. In this moment.
This is what these practices do for me. They allow me to know that I am truly there for myself. Finally. That I think we are important enough to invest in us. That we are now strong enough to hold space for all of us. When I say “us” and “we” I am referring to all the Disparate Parts of myself I have retrieved along the way. We are strong enough now to stand together. To step into our Light. Into our Power. We now know it’s not about us. That when we let go of these old beliefs and become empowered - only then can we try serve ourselves, those around us, as well as our communities.. Only then can we see through the misperceptions and the illusions in order to find our most compassionate selves.
So don’t you worry about us. We are doing pretty darn good. We know y’all are holding space for us so we can find the courage to Jump. We gladly accept your hand as you reach out from the other side should we fall. Okay - that’s not completely true. That part about us “gladly” accepting your hand. We still have quite a bit of practice to do around receiving. LOL! But we promise to bite our tongue and sit in the discomfort knowing that if we practicing accepting your hand - we will grow. With more practice maybe someday we’ll even get to the point where we can “gladly” accept without hesitation. Maybe someday we will even be able to ask for your hand. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves shall we. (Insert my belly laugh here!)
For now let’s just make sure we take the time to celebrate the successes we have in our lives. Let’s trust that we are exactly where we are meant to be and that when we Jump - we will make it to the other side.
As always Friends - I can’t thank you enough for coming with me on this adventure called Life. It sure has been a trip. Thank you for holding space for me as I continue to grow and evolve. May you too continue to grow and evolve and know that I am here holding out my hand for you too.
May all Beings every where be well.
May all Beings every where be peaceful and at ease.
May all Beings every where be happy.
May all Beings every where be free.
CJoy