Too Busy

Boy oh boy is it time for a musing!!! I even have a few friends who have emailed me to ask me how I am since they haven't heard from me in a while. You are correct. You have not heard from me. I have been "too busy". Yep - back to that old hat. 

It seems that when you come back from a 10 Day Silent Vipassana Meditation Course, you end up speaking a lot to describe the experience to curious folks. So I would like to share with you all my experience in writing :-)

YOWZAH!!!!! It was intense and amazing.

After a little talking to get you settled in on the check-in day, you are then silent for 9 days. You briefly talk to the teacher 1-3 times to check in with her and make sure everything is going okay and otherwise.... nothing. I was terribly frightened by this going in. Me? Chatty Cathy?? Talk in my sleep girl???

I thought I would have a ton of grief bubble up to the surface and have to face it head on.

Then I was taught the lesson of not having preconceptions, of not having expectations. AGAIN! For all the preaching I do about that one in class - I'm still human and very guilty of doing it myself. 

Oh dear, where to begin. I'm not gonna lie - this year was rough. I feel like I have been in transition for a bit over a year now. I made the move to Walla Walla at the end of last year and I'm going to include that in my 2016 wrap-up.

I have lived in 2 states. I have lived in 3 homes. I have now had 4 different places of employment since arriving in Walla Walla. I got used to not having my kitties and then drove 20 hours to bring them to their new home here with me. I have lost Grampa Johnson, Uncle Jim, and Gramma Rhodes, in that order. Shall I go on...


Well you know me ~ I like to keep it heavy, deep, real, and apparently long. Those of you Walla Walla peeps who just joined my list, welcome to a truly intimate me. Christel TMI Johnson!

As many of you know I do these emails in order to reveal my struggles and hope that in doing so we all heal. Maybe hearing my story you don't feel so all alone. Maybe I can give you perspective on your struggles and you realize yours are not that bad off. What I've learned along the way is that I heal immensely when I share these things. Conversations get started and advice given. More than anything I get it off my chest and out in the open where I don't have to carry the weight alone.

Let's talk about sex shall we?!
I am so sick of feeling shame around sex. So I'm just gonna come right out with it. I love sex. I have had multiple partners. I have had one night stands. I had what I call a "promiscuous period" after breaking up with my first love. And everything I just listed are things I have been embarrassed by, don't really talk about, and feel tremendous amounts of shame over.

Life goes on....

I don't know that there will be words of wisdom in this musing. I have no sage advice. I have only an update as to where I am in this life to share. In doing so, I hope some of you will not feel so alone.

The past week has been miserable inside my heartmind. I have been depressed. I didn't want to write this blog while in this condition because, well.... who wants to be around a miserable girl and how scary is it to share that side of me?

But one of my biggest beefs with this society is exactly that. We do not share our hard times, our struggles, our pain. We have no problem telling people about the good times (hello Facebook), but how often do we reach out when we want a shoulder to cry on, when we feel shitty, when everything is going wrong, or just when we've had a taxing day?!? I don't think we do it much at all and definitely not enough. 

Taking those times and showing, sharing our vulnerability with others is where the truest and deepest connections in this life come from. It gives us a chance to tell our story and in doing so we begin to heal. Plus, we give the gift of letting someone else feel special that we trusted them enough to tell them our story. If I only write once everything is figured out and I have hindsight - I am a hypocrite. I don't want to be that, so..... here goes.